??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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