my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Who died my cat blue again?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
