i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
