i wish starbucks made bloody marys
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
