Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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