I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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