I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
