just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
