Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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