Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
