Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
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