i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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