there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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