On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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