Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
