I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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