the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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