If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
