what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize