Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
