Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
