YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
