If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
