Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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