I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
