My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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