I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
