she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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