I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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