God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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