6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
