I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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