Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
