True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
