i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
