is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
