Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
