would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
