Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
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