why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Randomize
