I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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