I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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