I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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