He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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