During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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