Apparently you make a good broom.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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