Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
