Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
