so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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