whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
