I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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