Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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