so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
