i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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