so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
