One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
