my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
