oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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