i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
