i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just pynch a tree in the face
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
