it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
