I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
